Shaping A Meaningful 24/7 BDSM Relationship- Part 1

// July 26th, 2010 // BDSM Articles

Wasteland.com was kind enough to let me use this article that they provide to their members. I think understanding the key concepts and problems that arise in any BDSM relationship is important so that firstly you know how to avoid any problems or solve them and secondly so that you are able to have the best kinky relationship possible! You know you deserve it, so just spend a little time and read this great article :)

Introductions

It is an area often neglected, especially when it comes to information about BDSM. Yet it is also one of the most important, especially in the Maledom/femsub BDSM dynamic. It can also be the source of many misunderstandings.


Mistake #1

Many dominant men truly struggle with the question “how do I give my 24/7 slave something to do” Many resort to household duties, in an attempt to achieve this. Although usually well meant, this is just about the biggest mistake you can make.

Household chores is what most women do most of the time. So there is no attraction, hence no incentive.

It doesn’t make her “feel slave” at all. It makes her feel like most other women, i.e. not different, not special.

Now that does not mean you cannot use household duties. You can, but you will have think different. Elsewhere in this section we will help you with this.

The $100,000 question: why put your slave to work? what’s the point?

This entire section is for those who are, or want to be, in some form of a 24/7 BDSM relationship. In other words, a relationship that encompasses more than the occasional kinky adventure. Of course, there is nothing wrong with the latter, but this section id all about 24/7 relationships and their dynamics, which are very different.

The number 1 danger in a 24/7 relationship are boredom and routine. This is the result of repetition of the same elements over and over again and that in turn is a the result of the fact that the number of things you can do is usually limited. Limited by real life, by your personal circumstances, kids, work, your mother in law, physical and mental possibilities and inspiration.

Giving her a job to do (or more) will help you break the vicious cycle of repetition. And there are many options. Not all of them have to be specific “jobs”. They can also be behavior patterns, temporary tasks, living conditions or forms of training for example.

The idea is that you take her out of the ordinary, daily routine and into the exciting life of being (and feeling) a slave. However, here too, avoiding an overdose of routine and repetition is the secret to success.

The critical success factors for every slave job

Regardless what the job is and what its specifics are, there are a few critical success factors:

• Be specific! Make clear what the job exactly is and what it is you want her to do.

• Set goals! Make very clear what it you want her to do and how well or how quick you want her to do it.

• Be demanding! Make sure it will really take (some) effort on her part. Things shouldn’t be too easy.

Ignoring

NOTE: Pushing the boundaries of your sub, should only be done if both parties agree to it and you have a long term 24/7 lifestyle relationship. Remember BDSM is Safe, Sane, Consensual and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Play smart, be safe. These articles are for informational purposes only and are not condoned by Wasteland or its staff.

One of the most effective bitching techniques – and at the same time one of the most DANGEROUS for inexperienced people – is to ignore the sub for a while. This usually works miracles on pushy subs, topping from the bottom or manipulative situations.

The idea is to simply ignore the submissive for a while, for example at times where she usually seeks contact or needs support. Like we said, this is risky business since there are various dangers involved. The most important ones are the following:

  • The sub may feel her partner/dominant is letting her down and giving her insufficient attention. This may make her feel insecure or give up the relationship altogether.
  • The sub may develop feelings of self-doubt and self-blame. That may be partially useful, especially in cases of pushy subs, but it should not be taken to the limits, since it may work counter-productive, feed insecurity and fertilize the soil for a low(er) self-esteem, something that is a common problem among many submissive women.
  • It may give the dominant a false sense of power. Ignoring is pretty heavy stuff and the dom may come to the wrong conclusion that he can use this often, since it usually is such an effective technique.

Different Levels

There are many different levels of ignoring. There is the very subtle way, which comes down to just not doing what she is asking for and a more intense way: those who ask or beg will be punished or – more effective – will NOT be punished.

But there are more intense levels, such as not giving her anything for a few days or no or only limited (such as casual-only) conversation for a while.

The most intense way – again dangerous but effective for die-hard pushy subs – is to let her work for what she wants. Here are some examples of the last technique:

Marian:
I’ll admit I was a pushy sub. Maybe that is because I am bi-sexual and started out with a female top who was sweet, but lacked the pretty firm hand I need. So when I stepped into my current relationship I was more or less used to get what I wanted, just by asking for it. When that didn’t work I got frustrated and started to beg or even manipulate or deliberately create situations that required punishment.

My dom soon got fed up with all that. So he gave me an option. If there is something I really want I must work for it by doing all sorts of jobs I usually do not particularly like,such as washing the car, gardening, cleaning the attic or the garage and stuff like that. Doing that – FIRST of course – will not guarantee I get what I want but I stand a better chance and the harder I work, the bigger chance I do get my wishes fulfilled. I think that actually is a pretty fair deal, even though i sometimes hate this system.

Lorraine:
I am into politics. My daily life is politics, my work is politics so I tend to use the same techniques at home to get what I want. I know this is wrong, but it is pretty hard to let go of the habit.

So my husband developed a simple system. Since I like politics so much and bargaining is a huge part of politics, I have to bargain whenever I want something. I simply have to throw in whatever it is I will be willing to do to make my wish come true and he will probably push me a bit further, before he accepts the deal. It can be anything, like not being allowed to use the dishwasher for a couple of days, or doing odd jobs, or whatever. It depends on what I myself can come up with and how badly I want it to happen. It is a pretty effective system, since it shows me that it actually is a lot easier for me to just wait for what will happen (and something will happen) instead of asking for it.

Elisa:
I really have this awful topping-from-the-bottom habit and I can’t seem to let it go. So Master has an easy correction system for me. As soon as I do it I am ordered to go to my punishment stool, which is standing in the corner, and WAIT there. This may happen in the middle of a scene or at any time I start to push. Depending on the situation he’ll let me sit there from fifteen minutes to several hours. Of course I can try to challenge him, but I have learned the hard way that NOTHING will happen anymore and that if I want him to be my Master again I’ll have to sit there for a looooooong time.

Rianna:
Master has a particularly effective way to deal with my pushy streaks. Whenever it happens – and believe me these days they don’t happen very often anymore – I will be chained to the heavy bondage table and left there. I’ll have enough room to move to be able to wish I would be restrained completely but of course not enough to anything other than wait. I can stand, sit on the table, sit on the floor but the fact of the matter is that I’ll be there for very long and very boring hours with nothing else to do but wait. And wait. And wait. Until the punishment is over.

Sometimes he’ll tell me how long it’ll be and then he leaves this irritating ticking clock with me in the dungeon so I can feel just slow slow time passes when you can do nothing else but wait. In the beginning I sometimes spend an entire day in there, completely ignored and when I complained I stood a fair chance of being left there a few hours more. Believe me, that is a very effective way to learn NOT to be pushy anymore.

Pre-announced Ignoring

Probably the most cruel thing to do for the dom is to create a situation where the submissive is placed under a strict system of communication-limitations for a pre-announced time. This is really heavy stuff and outright dangerous if the two of you do not have a solid relationship and an even more solid trust base. Again, the way this works is best explained by a real life example from Sweden:

Elsa:
Master sometimes uses a particularly cruel punishment. He doesn’t use this often, only when there is a real and serious reason to punish me. It is anything but an erotic punishment, which is exactly what makes it so effective.

There are three reasons why this punishment will be executed: if I flirt to much (which I like to do and which sometimes gets me in trouble), if I embarrass Master in public or whenever I deliberately disobey orders (which I sometimes used to do as a form of rebelling). Whenever this happens I will be cuffed and gagged. Both the handcuffs and gag are padlocked. My hands will be cuffed in front of me so I can still perform my household duties, albeit with some extra effort. This situation will last either one, two or three days, depending on the seriousness of the offense. During such a punishment period I will be kept cuffed and gagged at all times, except when I need to eat or sleep. During these times the gag will be temporarily removed, but I am not allowed to talk when the gag is out. I can and must perform household duties and anything else, Master requires me to do. When he has no use for me I must sit on the floor in a corner, facing the wall and just wait, usually until it it time for bed.

I think you will understand why I try very hard NOT to be punished like this. It is terrible, even if it is only for one day (which it usually is – I have never been put through three days and I don’t even want to think about what that would mean).

• Be realistic! Don’t set yourself (and your slave) up for failure – make sure, whatever the job is, it can be done (maybe with some effort, adaption and creativity)

• Set both rewards and punishments Make clear what both success and failure to comply will bring her. And make sure a punishment is a punishment (i.e. not some spanking that she actually …considers to be fun)

• Be strict! Once the job is “on” do not accept anything other than compliance and success

• Check up! She needs to feel that this is important to you, so check regularly, ask, demand demonstrations, etcetera.

Mental Sadism

It has just as many names as there are risks: the bitching game. verbal humiliation, teasing and mentally taking her to her limits. This is not about calling her names, but about mocking her agony. In it’s simplest form: “Oh dear, does it hurt that much? Here, let me give you some more!”

Before we go into detail in this section, please allow us to say (more than) a few words about mental sadism – because that is what we are talking about here – and its effects and potential dangers. It is so easy to do and it almost slips in without both partners being aware of it.

As opposed to what the urban legend would like you to believe: sadism is not (just) about administering physical pain. Sadism is about enjoying your partner’s agony and every aspect of it. That includes her mental suffering.

And if you are the dominant in the game, you may need to admit to yourself that you actually enjoy her suffering. Because she is suffering for you.


It’s A Risky Game

Let us start with a real life example. Several years ago an inexperienced dominant started a casual relationship with a really not overly bright submissive. Both their intentions where good. She was a nice young woman and he intended no harm at all. But ……. she was slightly overweight. Nothing much, just a tummy that needed some “attention”.

She thought it would be great if he taught her some discipline in this area, he thought he was actually helping her and so they started doing figure corrections each time they met,at the start of their session. She was made to stand up straight, her tummy was measured each time to record her progress and each session she was mildly criticized for being “fat” (she wasn’t really fat, just slightly overweight). This continued for several months until the relationship finally didn’t work out and each went their separate ways. So far, so good.

However …… a year later she was in deep financial trouble with debts mounting up on top of each other. She was behind on rent, in arrears on her personal bank loan and close to being on the streets.

Almost all of her troubles were the result of expensive weight loss programs and products. As we said, she wasn’t very bright. She had a less than average job with less than average pay and really couldn’t afford expensive diet programs and products. All of which where the result of – you guessed it – the “harmless” figure correction games. And it took an experienced BDSM couple well over a year to deprogram the sub and help her regain her self-respect (not to mention getting rid of her debts).

This is how easily these seemingly harmless games can implant very dangerous mental seeds.


Look Before You Leap

When it comes to BDSM nothing can be taken for granted. A few “misguided” words can have devastating effects. Just how easy these things slip in is something almost every therapist can tell you. They can also tell you in great detail how much time, work, effort and money it costs to get rid of such mental implants, if this works at all.

Impotency – apart from a few who really have physical problems – for example is largely a mental thing and most often the result of either having been turned down one time too often during puberty or – even worse – the result of a parent who thought it was a good idea to “scare these wet dreams away” by telling their son how he would not be able to have children later or how he would become seriously ill. Not every man becomes impotent as a result of these things but some – the ones receptive to such mental implants – do. And you just cannot tell from the outside who is receptive and who is not.

So that is where the problem with mental sadism – no matter how mild – is. Within the context of a BDSM-relationship (casual or not) these mental games are not without risk. People with insufficient background knowledge of each other can easily, mentally, harm their partner, dominant or submissive alike. because of the trust and the intensity of the moment, things are likely to hit home more seriously. A sub, criticizing an inexperienced dominant, may easily be the cause of his loss of self-confidence and even his self-respect. A dom telling a sub what she has to do, is about conditioning her – like it or not – and as a result WILL create changes in her personality. Minor changes maybe, but still.

This is one reason why any therapeutic problem should not be dealt with in a BDSM-context. But we’re not just talking about those, unlucky enough to have to live with a traumatic experience. Perfectly strong, well-adjusted people can easily become the victim of “misplaced” mental seeds. Simply because the intensity of the BDSM-situation and the hormonal activity during active play will make people (submissives especially) much more receptive for such mental implants. Small pieces of information (in psychological terms known as “nemes” – the mental counterpart of “genes”) are just as important as genetic codes and usually have the same – lasting – effects.


Risk Acceptance

People – doms and subs alike – entering into a BDSM-situation should be aware of the potential risks and dangers and are equally responsible for the consequences. People who are unaware of especially the psychological/mental effects of BDSM simply do not belong in the BDSM-realm!Tough statement? Sure, but very true. The fact of the matter is that if you are unaware of the psychological effects of what you are entering into (and psychology is more than half of the entire BDSM-situation) you should stay out of it or educate yourself.

Next to that, people, again doms and subs alike, should be aware of all consequences, ideally well before they actively enter into anything and accept the fact that there are risks, mainly psychological ones.

Blaming the other if things turn sour doesn’t help, it doesn’t even make sense and in fact is pretty childish. Being aware of the consequences – or at least being aware of the fact that there WILL be consequences – and accepting that fact, is the mature way of dealing with things.

So yes, there are health warnings when it comes to mental play. You won’t bleed or break an arm as a result of mental implants. And that is the problem. You cannot see what the effects are until much later and at that point it will usually be much too late to do anything about it.

Bottom line: Look before you leap, be realistic about the situation and be careful, even when it comes to something simple like “honey, if you call this being wet, the sahara is an ocean”.

….to be continued!

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