A while ago we talked about the expectations that might be set for a party.  Now let’s  look at one of the scenes that might occur at that party in a similar way.  What expectations to the participants bring to it?  Let’s imagine the case of a submissive woman and her non-playing but supportive partner.   She wants to be tied and flogged while her partner watches, so she can escape into a private fantasy which she knows will bring her to an ecstatic climax.  For the time being, her partner must become an actor,  must be able to sustain the fantasy that is being projected upon them. An amateur theatre production might for example thrust a man upon the stage with a black eye-patch, a stuffed parrot in one hand and a wooden cutlass in the other.  The sound system scratches out a non-descript shanty and someone chucks a bucket of water over the set.  Wanting to believe in the story being told, the audience settles back to await a rousing tale of swashbuckling and kidnapped maidens.  Incidentally, directors know how important the kidnapped maiden bit is.  But I digress!

This woman’s partner may be required to be a cold observer of her humiliation or a helpless wretch unable to save her from her plight.  Her fantasy is her own story, and the others in the scene are her supporting cast   We enter into the realm of participatory ritual theatre.  Our task is easier than it is for the Mummers or the presenters of Passion Plays.  Easier even than for those engaging in demonstrations of  dungeon techniques for an audience, since we have only to create the experience for ourselves and not be concerned with the communication of  the experience.

Starting with the conclusion and working backwards we know that we want the submissive to achieve her earth-shattering orgasm.  She may wish it to occur within a particular  physical and psychological context, such as betrayal by her loved one at the height of her physical pain.  Thus the scene will end with her partner passionately embracing another woman just about the time she reaches the limit of her tolerance for the flogging.  The flogger then, will be going for overload and stress, rather than an endorphin high.  The position assumed for the flogging will also be such that the subject will be able to get herself off.  A rolled towel between her legs, perhaps enhanced with the insertion of a butt plug,  can provide sufficient stimulation, if she has freedom to wriggle.

Now we come to the “why” of the story.  How has she ended up in this predicament in the first place?  If her story tells that she came blindfolded, naked under her dress, the toy already filling her bottom, then that is how the evening should start.   But we still don’t know  the “why” of it.  Perhaps she has been a silly, frivolous girl, always whining for more, unappreciative of what she already has.  In order to punish her she has been brought to the dungeon where her humiliation will be witnessed by amused strangers.  Now we have the key to the rest of the scene.  There must be an entrance, an air of formality and inevitability about the proceedings.  In the spirit of consensual non-consensuality  she must be able to believe that she has no choice other than to go along with what is to be done to her, and to create the necessary level of excitement, she must be afraid of what is going to happen.  Her expectation that she will be taken beyond her limits must be fulfilled, although it is important to point out here that we are talking about perceived limits, not real limits, for it is in the unexplored territory between where the true essence of dungeon play is found.  To go beyond a real limit is senseless brutality and does nothing but damage both the top and the bottom physically, mentally or both.

With the broad structure in place there are many details of costuming, props, narrative and environment that support that structure.  Next we will get into the details that work on the human psyche to develop and enhance fantasy.  Think about all the ways that folk have devised to ritualize their lives from the Goth scene to conservative Catholicism.

Until the next time,

May all your black clothes make it back from the cleaners,

SB.

Reprinted with permission from Wasteland.Com

What is essential as far as classic domestic discipline is concerned is that people never actually hardly ever specific punishment instruments, but just grabbed the first available and suitable thing – as far as birching is concerned the broom and usually the short and thick one that was used to clean out the fire place and the stove (which was readily available in the kitchen and the living quarters).

What makes the birch a special instrument for punishment is first of all of course the pain and the humiliation of the punishment itself, but secondly its very specific after effects.

While the pain of the punishment itself will die down relatively quickly, what stays is the terrible itch, which is the result of the many, tiny, superficial wounds a birch leaves behind.

That will usually lead to a long, sleepless night with a lot of tossing and turning and the young lady contemplating her fate.

Which is why experienced disciplinarians will frequently confine their trainee to specific quarters for the night (such as the guest room or the couch), simply because the educator himself won’t get much sleep with a restless, itchy, recently disciplined punishee sharing his bed.

And punishments, of course, are not to have negative effects on the disciplinarian.

Dripping some vinegar over the fresh markings may increase the after effect and create an extra, stingy feel. Use this to increase her difficulties and the severity of the punishment.

Vicky’s next goal?  To reach 1,000,000 followers.

In honor of Vicky’s accomplishments, we asked Wasteland.com, if we could publish the some photos they took of her way back in 2001.  Enjoy!

[Show as slideshow]

Alternative sexual games open new possibilities for STD infection. Most of these are caused by viruses and are easy to catch if you allow them to enter a body opening (sex organ, mouth or small wound). We will give some short descriptions here:

VIRUS INFECTIONS

Hepatitis

Is an inflammation of the liver. There are different forms (A and B are the most common), caused by a virus. Symptoms may vary from relatively harmless flu type reactions to fatal liver diseases.

Herpes

(also around in different forms) causes small fluid filled blisters. It is a virus. The blistering will not be triggered by the disease but by external factors like exposure to the sun, emotional stress or another illness or fever. The blisters may appear on and around the mouth, the genitals or other parts of the body, depending on the type. Herpes is not fatal, but may cause complications with other infections and sometimes can be painful. Herpes simplex, that may cause blisters on the mouth and/or genitals, cannot yet be cured.

Syphilis

In modern society is rare, but still around. It is caused by an organism and causes swellings on the body that will leave a scar after healing. Unrecognized syphilis will eventually ruin the vascular and nervous systems and cause death.

Genital Warts

(small swellings in and around the genitals) are caused by a virus. They may cause the development of cervix cancer and should be taken seriously. They need early and repeated treatment.

BACTERIA

Gonorrhea

Has been around for ages and still is something to watch out for. It may cause sterility (men) or inflammation of the fallopian tube (women). An infected women may pass it on to the eyes of a newborn child when the infection occurs during pregnancy.

Chlamydial and Ureaplasmal

Infections 
Are the most common group of STDs. They are likely to cause all sorts of diseases. Treatment and interruption of sexual contacts is advised. This group spreads easily and rapidly. Having dirty hands or fingernails when penetrating or dirty toys are the most common causes. 
We’ve mentioned only the most common STDs here, there are a lot more around. When in doubt, always check with your doctor. You may be embarrassed about it. This is only natural and the doctor will understand this. Remember, it may the first time you are confronted with STDs, but the doctor has seen it all before. Not seeing the doctor in almost all cases leads to trouble. Most of the STDs will not go away by themselves and some are nasty and persistent. 


Be aware that some bdsm techniques can also be responsible for transmitting STDs 


Unprotected Toys 
Are the most common transmitter of bacteria and are likely to cause one of the infections mentioned above. Even if it has just been laying around for awhile it may have picked up bacteria. When you penetrate, always use a condom – and don’t forget your wonderful penis-shaped whip grip.

Bondage Ropes

When used in the genital area, are another possible transmitter of disease. The general advice is to wash your ropes regularly, disinfect them and reserve marked ropes for these areas. When just hanging on the wall and not being used for some time germs and bacteria may find a nice nest inside your bondage ropes. (Guess you’ll just have to use them more!)

Nipple Clamps

Are another well known toy often used in this (genital) area. Again regularly clean and disinfect them.

Leather

Is a living material and germs and bacteria will nest in it, especially if these toys have not been used for some time.

Whipping

One thing you should be aware of is that whipping causes the small veins in the skin to open up and send blood to the whipped area. This creates an expressway for viruses and bacteria to infiltrate the body and not only the std-related ones. You should be aware of this phenomena, especially when whipping the genital area. Extra attention to hygiene and regular cleaning and disinfecting of whips is required.

First Aid Kit

This entire safe sex section may scare you a bit. There’s no need for that, but it’s always advisable to be aware of possible risks and to take precautions when necessary. This goes for having a first aid kit around as well. Mishaps always occur. Most any general first aid kit will do, with two extras: first of all a pair of bandage scissors. These will enable you to quickly and safely cut ropes and even leather straps when you need to. Bandage scissors are designed to avoid harming your partner unintentionally. Next to this it’s handy to have freeze spray (or cold spray) around for muscle treatment (makes a wonderful toy as well).

Condoms

Always use a condom when penetrating, either vaginal or anal. Using condoms when having oral sex is generally advised (you can buy mint or menthol flavoured condoms for this purpose).

This may sound silly, but if you have never bought condoms before, please avoid the vending machines in discotheques, bars, etc. The problem is that you never know how old the condoms are when you buy them. A condom with an expired maximum vending date is unsafe to use, because the latex deteriorates over time.

Do use condoms when penetrating with vibrators, dildos or other toys. When in scene, it is very possible your toys will lay about and attract dust and germs. Using condoms on your toys will keep them in a better condition as well and makes them easier to clean afterwards.

Some people have allergic reactions to the lubricant that is standard on most condoms. If you are not sure, buy non-lubricated condoms with a separate, water-based lubricant.

Dental Dams

It’s a must to use dental dams when rimming (licking the outside anal area) and it’s generally advised for oral-vaginal contact. Outside the USA, dental dams are sometimes hard to get. Contact a center for information about sexually transmitted diseases for addresses.

Latex Gloves

Latex gloves will protect your and your partner from all sorts of things. When penetrating either the vagina or anus, wear gloves. Especially when you’re fisting (including vaginal fisting).

Lubricant

Lubricant makes it easier to penetrate, both vaginal and anal. Buy only water-based lubricants. Oil-based lubricants will ruin your condoms and other latex protective gear in seconds (this goes for your valuable latex clothing as well!). Be aware of the fact that massage oil, baby oil and butter will have the same effect on latex.

Some lubricants contain nonoxynol-9. Some people have allergic reactions to this. If you want to be on the safe side, buy a lubricant without it. On the other hand, nonoxynol-9 makes it a lot more difficult for the HIV virus to survive. If you and your partner(s) are not allergic then it’s worth using.

HIV Risks

All the general stuff about HIV infection (direct blood and sperm contact) of course goes for erotic power exchange as well. Take extra precautions when you are whipping and (accidentally) draw blood or when you are into needle play or cutting. Nipple clamps sometimes may cause bleeding of the nipples, women may experience this more while having a period. Intense stimulation of the nipples – clamps, binding and piercing(!!) – may incidentally cause a woman’s nipple to lactate slightly. Even some men will start to produce small amounts of lactate. Lactate may very well contain the HIV virus. 

Extra precautions should, of course, be taken if you are into some edge play situations.

Erotic power exchange can take any shape or form within a relationship between a man and a woman. From little things like blindfolding her when making love to anything like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week dedication or branding.

The shape and form it takes totally depends upon the fantasies, situation and boundaries of the partners involved. As long as it is informed consensual, safe, sane and voluntary it is called erotic power exchange. If any or all of these four elements are missing, it is called abuse.

Next, erotic power exchange requires a specific environment. Call it a biosphere, if you like. What it requires is a very sound, honest and sincere relationship, intense and open communication, trust, a lot of mutual understanding, an open mind, lots of love and care and a fair bit of creativity.

People will often ask: what’s wrong with straight sex? Why add things like power exchange. Well, there’s nothing wrong with straight sex. But there are people that want more out of their relationship. Maybe even more out of life. Those are the people that will identify the power element, that exists in every relationship, and start to work with it, play with it, explore and experiment. We all have to deal with political power for example, but not all of us become politicians or even take an interest in politics.

Giving away power to your partner can be an immense erotic sensation. Being tied up, relatively helpless and being launched by your partner into your own fantasies and dreams – some submissives call that sub space – can be thrilling, relaxing and revealing at the same time. Pain, tickling and all sorts of other impulses – when administered with care and skill – can pump up your endorphins, giving you the same sensation sports people will sometimes feel. On the other hand, the dominant partner will feel the adrenaline flow freely through his body, giving him a very powerful feeling and very intense and caring emotion at the same time. No, the people that do it don’t need it to have an orgasm, but yes, they do need the power element to be present and used in their relationship.

An umbrella for lots of different things

Erotic power exchange is a very individual, personal experience. That is why it is very hard to describe what it is exactly. The only element all these people have in common is the fact that they are fascinated by the power element. What they do, how they do it and why may be completely different things.

Erotic power exchange is an umbrella argument. One couple may fill it in as tying her up in bed, another may be fascinated by the idea of a “strange” man walking into the bedroom capturing her and a third may have a relationship where she serves him in any aspect. Erotic power exchange is like golf: it is highly individual, you are the master of your own game and you are also your own referee.

It is entirely about what you want to do. You do not have to copy others. You do not even have to agree with what others do. It is your game, your thoughts, your fantasies. It is what you and your partner share. It is being able to explore the borders of your mind and imagination in a very safe environment.

To many people erotic power exchange is not just about sex, but a lifestyle. Most people that do it will recognize it as something very personal, something very much belonging to themselves. To many it is a way to express themselves.

Glove Cuffs

Glove cuffs are leather gloves in which the hand can be folded and strapped down that way (much like a boxing glove). They are very restrictive, since the fingers cannot do anything anymore and are kept in one position that cannot be changed. That usually leads to quite a bit of frustration.

There are various designs around, make sure you buy a pair that also has good quality wrist cuffs (either intricate or attached), so can do more with your your cuffs than merely secure the fingers.

Backstraps

A backstrap is a collar and a pair of wrist cuffs, interconnected with an adjustable band. Their function is to keep the arms folded on the back, attached to the collar.

The interconnecting band should be adjustable, in order to be able to either bring the arms higher or lower as well as to adjust the whole thing to the slave’s physique.

Backstraps are erotic, rather than functional. They are good for soft, erotic play, but not very functional in sessions that are a little more rough. In fact, they might be dangerous, since moving the arms will have a direct effect on the ability to breath. For erotic BDSM however, they function very well, provided you have managed to find a good design.

When you go out to buy backstraps you need to compromise between softness and sturdiness off the leather used. If the leather is too soft, the whole will deform quickly and becomes an ugly thing that you do not want to use anymore. If however the leather is too thick, it doesn’t fit into the erotic setting it was designed for.

The other thing to watch for is the size of the collar and cuffs. Often, these will be too broad and too wide. If that is the case, better leave it on the shelf. The collar should be somewhat wide, since a thinner collar will soon become painful and actually rather dangerous, since the pressure in on the front of the neck, as soon as the arms are being dropped.

Thighcuffs

Thighcuffs are a classic example of things, that are best left where they were: on the shelf in the shop. They are an invention of the porn industry and they probably look good in pictures, but they don’t work. Due to the cone-shape of the thighs, all they do is fall off. If you want your slave in the position as in the picture, use rope. Leather cuffs simply will not do the trick.

Singlegloves

Singlegloves are a “look before you leap” toy. Their objective is to fully secure the arms on the back. They are great to have, IF your slave can handle this position. Many people simply can’t and if that is the case, buying a singleglove is simply a waste of (quite a bit of) money.

A singleglove is expensive and one of the things to pay a lot of attention to is their fit as well as adjustability. They should have straps that secure the wrists, elbows and upper arms, as well as straps that go over the shoulders to hold the whole thing in place. There should be room enough to get the arms in properly and they should go all the way up to the armpits. Do pay attention to the cone shape, so they will not block arteries in the upper arm.

Off the shelf singlegloves hardly ever fit and most are of rather poor quality. If you want to buy one, it is a much better idea to find a local leather crafter and have one made to measure. That actually will not be more expensive than buying one off the shelf. In fact, it will probably be somewhat cheaper and in any case better.

A singleglove is very restrictive and they have a high erotic charisma. Also, they make the very straining arm position somewhat easier to maintain, since the entire arms are supported by their leather encasing. For a position like this, that is a plus and your slave will probably be grateful for that..

However, do be critical. As we said, not everyone can do this and the position can easily dislocate shoulder joints or even break bones. So, unless your slave is able to handle this position, do not buy one. Try using rope first to ascertain if really can do what you want.

Article and Photos Courtesy of Wasteland.Com

This may sound silly, but the first requirement for leather cuffs is that they should fit! The problem is that well over 80 percent of the leather cuffs, produced commercially, do not! Especially not if the slave happens to be female. The vast majority of commercial production is aimed at submissive men and as a result most cuffs are simple too big and too wide for use on women.

You can save yourself a lot of money and yet another disappointment if you bring your sub or slave with you, when you go out to buy cuffs and have her fit them in the store. If that is not allowed – leave it. It is not worth your money.

The second important thing is that straight forward handcuffs are designed to connect one arm (or leg) to the other in some way – they were not designed to hang from! Even when standing with the hands cuffed overhead, special cuffs should be used in order to avoid damage to one of the main nerves, the one that send messages to and from your extremities, this is what makes us very different from any other mammal: the thumb! Loose the feeling in that nerve (which is more than a little likely) and you’ll have trouble picking up a cup or a pencil or anything else for a long time to come!

Cuffs should be properly constructed. Cowhide is the best choice, since it is strong and durable. Ideally the cuffs should be lined with a thinner layer of leather, so sweat cannot soak into the inside of the leather. D-rings (the ones you use to connect on cuff to another) should be welded for safety reasons and rivets, suds and rings should be steel, not nickel, in order to avoid rusting. Cheap leather cuffs are always a bad choice. Remember they will be on the body of your loved one and at times her well being may depend on them. So only the best is good enough!

Leather collars again are almost always made too big for women, which makes them very uncomfortable to wear. Here again, the advice is to fit them in the shop before buying one and nine out of ten times a simple (and much cheaper) dog collar from your local pet shop will do the same thing and probably better.

Check “The Rack – How To Guides” at Wasteland.Com for cuff designs, you can easily make yourself as well as for hints and tips about leather maintenance.

Especially if bondage is new to you, it is a good idea to have a few leather belts (straps) around. They are easy to work with and quite handy in many situations, either to use as a bondage tool on the body, or to strap your slave to a table, a chair, or a bed.

Belts are safe, easy to use and relatively cheap. Check with shops that sells luggage equipment for longer straps.

Ideally, they should not have sharp edges. If they do, that is usually easily corrected by massaging a firm dose of Vaseline into the belt, which is very good for your leather anyway.

Do invest in a tool to cut extra holes in your belts (that comes in handy anyway, since almost all leather equipment requires such small adjustments) and make many, so your belts are ready to tackle just about every possible bondage situation.

Different lengths is a good plan, since having a choice will not leave you with ugly long ends if you have only one type of belt.

Go for luggage belts rather than waist belts, since the latter usually have fancy buckles and all sorts of studs and decorations, that has a tendency to get in the way when used for bondage purposes.

Article and Photos Courtesy of Wasteland.Com



The Proverbial Chicken & Egg What came first?

The common prejudice about erotic power exchange or the sometimes wrong charisma, erotic power exchange has? And is this charisma at least partially responsible for the prejudice?

Without doubt one influences the other. On one hand we have the ineradicable social prejudice, based on misinformation (mainly by mainstream media) and psychiatrists ventilating outdated or simply ill-based opinions. On the other hand however we see quite a lot of immature behavior from both individuals and groups around the world, that “helps” to sustain the prejudice. Not to mention the vast number of know-it-alls, wannabees and self-proclaimed experts in the erotic power exchange community. The EPE-community (or scene) if such a thing exists at all, has several major problems when it comes to their “core business”. Problem number one is that the community simply is very tolerant, maybe even too tolerant, which allows for many people, that actually do not have true erotic power exchange emotions, to enter the “scene”. These may be either people that have difficulty finding contacts with people of their own preferences – such as transvestites and fetishists, but quite often also people that “confuse” erotic power exchange with a way to have it all their own selfish way. The other tolerance-related problem is that the community fails to set strict borders between what is and what is not erotic power exchange (true, that is not an easy thing to do). The last problem is the fact that the community, at least until now, has never given a definition of what power exactly is exchanged.

Semi-scientific pulp

On the other hand, the “scientific” world is not extremely helpful either. Many of those – confronted with human sexual behavior in a professional way – appear to be educated based on extremely outdated information. The best (or worst) example of using outdated information is Krafft-Ebings “Psychopatia Sexualis”, a book that is over a century old but still considered a standard work when it comes to alternative sexual behavior. Krafft-Ebing was the one that came up with the terms sadism and masochism as a description for mental distortions leading to either excessive cruelty or a traumatic need for pain and humiliation and both needing this to gain sexual arousal. It is the recognition of the difference between a compulsive need and a desire the scientific world has problems with.

Over half a century old Freudian opinions are also still widely spread in the scientific community and another phenomena here is that many scientists and doctors also do not seem capable of making the distinction between the description of individual cases (as Freud and others did) and more general social behavior. Next to this, most sexologists still use the McKinsey reports (1950′s) and Masters and Johnson (1960) as reference when it comes to erotic power exchange.

But mind you, it gets worse. Most schools for social workers, nurses, etc. and even GPs- when it comes to sexual behavior – either teach nothing at all or will spend one entire page of a textbook on it. There – if at all – you will of course find sadism and masochism (often called sadomasochism by the way, as if both exist in person to the same degree and at the same time) under the “perversions” heading. Unexplained, just mentioned, together with necrophilia and others.

The trouble is politicians, legislators and law enforcement will usually base themselves on the same “information”, sketching a picture of cruel creeps and pitiful subs begging for more lashes, desperately licking the boots of their dominant. Especially some German semi-scientists – aiming for plain short term success – have contributed to all of this with some absolute pulp either on “historic descriptions” (such as “Cruelty in Russia through the Ages”, The History of Corporal Punishment” or “The Cane in School and Home Education”) or statements that are usually incomplete, outright wrong and most of all for no real reason connected to sexuality (such as declaring Torquemada – the most prominent Spanish inquisitor – impotent without any scientific proof).

In the wrong corner

The main question probably is: are we in the right corner? Erotic power exchange through the ages has always been the domain of psychologists, psychiatrists and sexologists. These are all people, programmed to cure people from diseases or disorders. In principle there is nothing wrong with that. The trouble, however, is that as a result of this the subject of erotic power exchange – from a scientific point of view – is predominantly handled as a sickness or distortion. Something that needs to be cured. By approaching the problem from a curative point of view one, by definition, acknowledges the problem researched is something unwanted.

Although erotic power exchange definitely has sexual connotations, the question is if EPE is something that should be dealt with exclusively or predominantly from a sexual point of view. The answer to that question is no. Erotic power exchange is much more – best described as a lifestyle – and should thus primarily be the area for social sciences and studies. Just as homosexuality and heterosexuality as such have sexual connotations, both predominantly have social implications and aspects that are more important and of a much greater social impact.

The EPE community

For various reasons the EPE community – unlike for example the gay community – fails to tackle this problem. One of the main reasons for this is the fact that there is no EPE-community. At best there is a collection of small groups and circles that hardly ever manages to cooperate, team up resources but usually goes down in internal politics. As a result there is hardly any effort put into real and decent research, there is an enormous waste of already very limited financial and other resources and most do not come any further than copying what others already do. Available information is not shared, but every group starts to re-invent the wheel and will produce its own information, that is usually limited. Many initiatives go down in discussions about whether or not the parties in the discussion are “true” or “real” erotic power exchange people and if there is one thing the average group (and unfortunately many individuals as well) can not handle it is different opinions, resulting in tremendous flame wars. One of the best examples of this, is what happened to the Internet based alt.sex.bondage (ASB) newsgroup that started out as a discussion forum, aimed to share opinions, thoughts, ideas and questions, but grew into a battlefield beyond the capabilities of “UN-intervention” and ended in spamming and endless flame wars.

Every leader of an Internet discussion group will sooner or later be confronted with the same problem and this goes for support groups and organizations as well. The lack of commonly accepted principles is the main reason for this, since this allows for all sorts of self-proclaimed heroes to try and have it their own way. And the trouble probably is that there are no common denominators, simply because nobody so far has taken the trouble of trying to formulate them. Which in some areas is extremely difficult to do, but that does not mean it should not be done. And without them it is not only hard to unify the community, it is even a lot harder to change the opinions of the outside world. Prejudiced politicians and legislators – that seem to have an almost perverse need to regulate people’s intimate lives – are all too happy with a playground where they have no reasonable opposition at all.

So, if the chicken and eggs situation is to be broken, it will have to be done by those who want it to be broken, i.e. the people that suffer from the prejudice. Since something between 15 and 30 percent of the adult population at least has erotic power exchange fantasies, unity could make a formidable difference. That, however, can only take place if politicians and legislators will be made to understand this large group might turn against them. As long as the groups stay hiding in the closet, accepting what is happening to them and complaining about it but not doing anything about it, the situation will not change.

… and never the twain shall meet? …There is definitely a trend on the Internet – the constant discussion about which is better: a real life relationship or what is generally known as an on-line relationship; in other words people having some form of cyber erotic power exchange, which usually comes down to scening via chatboxes, sending e-mails, using webcams and such. And – most importantly one fighting the other over the question whether or not such a cyber-relationship may truly be called a relationship.

It is truly amazing to see how history repeats itself and the “Internet BDSM community” (if such a thing exists at all) going through all the growing pains the “Real/life BDSM community” (same comment) has gone through – and sometimes still is – 25 years ago. Some of that no doubt has to do with the fact that the Internet brings about an entire – and much larger – new influx of people interested in the subject. As a result of this new influx all the “hear say information”, rumors, hoaxes, “I-think-it-is-like-this”, my kink is the kink seem to be bouncing back at those of us who have been around a bit longer.

Before I go into that a bit bit deeper – the most amazing thing is to see happen what happened two decades ago in let’s say less BDSM-challenged countries: people flaming doms for being dominant. More outspoken doms – when for example taking part in a discussion list – every now and then receive private e-mail accusing them of having a dominant character. Even more interesting, such e-mails are usually written by …… other doms. And these dominants – the ones writing the e-mails – are very likely to be on-line doms. Why, well easy – they usually have never been in contact with other dominants before. At least not in an erotic power exchange context.

Very little subs will “accuse” a dominant of being dominant. They may disagree, fair enough And let’s face it: accusing a dom of being dom is blaming the cow for producing steaks and milk.

Subs have a great advantage here. One obviously can hardly be “too subby”, even though that is exactly one of the things the real life people are trying to say to the on-line community. They think people can be “too subby” (more below). Back to dominants. It actually took quite a while before the real life world figured out that dominants will usually be dominant (strange isn’t it) and they are likely to display some dominant character aspects in other areas than erotic power exchange as well. And well, you can’t realy blame them for doing so. Can you? To make a long story short: you can of course try to train all the birds in your area to fly upside down so they will not leave their “waste products” on your freshly washed car. However your changes of success will probably be less than zero. Asking doms not to be dominant probably will produce a similar score.

Discrepancies

Back to the subject at hand. In the real life community there have always been discrepancies: between Maledoms and Femdoms, couples and singles, leather vs latex and you name it. Discussions about what “real” EPE, BDSM, D/s, 24/7, TPE or whatever is, are nothing new. The Internet has brought about something we did not know before: real life vs on-line. However, the dynamics are the same.

Now first of all, these discussions are not unimportant. On the contrary. They will shape and form people as well as the community as a whole. Next to that: BDSM people seem to be extremely touchy and trigger happy, when it comes to discussions. Many have extremely long toes and are easily “offended” even by the smallest of infringements of their world. That too is at least understandable. We are talking a very emotional, very personal subject here and – as I have said before – the emotions form a part of that. So there is nothing wrong with discussions becoming emotional, maybe a bit flamey. That is simply part and parcel of the subject.

But: the new real life vs on-line discrepancies do bring about something new and dangerous. And that is in the lack of (social) control. Back in “the old days” (as far as I am concerned not necessarily the good old days) the communities used to be very regional, small and “controllable”. Wannabees, potential abusers and such where easily and usually quickly smoked out. That is impossible on the Internet since “misinformation” – like all other information spreads on the Internet like wildfire and that is where the danger is. One can easily make comparisons with the ever occurring hoaxes about viruses spread via certain e-mails.

Dreamworld

Subspace What in fact the “real life people” are trying to say is that their on-line brothers and sisters are often painting a dreamworld and by doing so are actively contributing to the misopinions by others. Let me put it this way (this is just an example – all characters involved are fictional and any resemblances with real life people is purely accidental): the BDSM-world is not only beautiful. There are quite a few men who call themselves dominant when the only thing they really want is to take advantage of a woman. And – unfortunate as it me be – to them the image of a kneeling women submitting to their needs is just as appealing as it is to a sane, well adjusted dominant. Although such people do not necessarily have to be dangerous, they do not belong in the EPE world. These (amongst others) were the type of people that used to be removed from real life organizations quickly and usually – if possible – refereed to professional help.

On the Internet however their fantasies are being indulged in daily by what I like to call “bedroom eyed subs”, spreading their stories about how they kneel in front of their “Master” and submit to him when – what they are actually doing – is more or less virtually kneeling in front of their computer screen. And on the Internet there is no social control.

The other difficulty is that people with real life experience know these dream stories are unreal. They know about the struggles, about the dom sleeping next to them snoring, with any luck sweating as well, cutting his toenails and leaving them on the bedroom floor. And still he expects his partner to submit.
They also know about the fact that their sub usually does not exactly resemble a sexy purring kitten when she gets out of bed in the morning, that she is also a mom and has different roles to cope with. In a good relationship people will get over these things and will still create a very intense world, but not without substantial difficulty. They simply cannot relate to the “we had only been talking five minutes and he appeared to be the Master of my dreams” stories.

That does not mean people are not entitled to their dreams. Of course they are. But they are exactly and only that. Dreams. If it makes you happy, go right ahead, have fun, enjoy them, dream them every night over and over again. Nothing wrong with that. Just don’t expect others to like your dream as well. Because you see – the people who have the type of dreams that others like as well are either a best seller novel writer or called Steven Spielberg. If you do not fall in any of these categories, your dream probably just isn’t to others what it is to you.

On the other hand, I think people who have a real life relationship should count their blessings, especially if it is a long lasting and successful one. Since that is anything but common when it comes to erotic power exchange.

And yet exactly that is the other thing is what makes real life people climb the wall when it comes to the on-line “experiences”. They know a real life EPE relationship – no matter what form or shape it has – doesn’t come easy and in fact is very hard work. Do you want to know what is really important to a “real life” dom? Not the fact that his partner submits to him. But that she remains doing so after having seen all his faults, struggles, bad character aspects, strange habits and such. That she is still doing so after ten or twenty or maybe thirty years. And that is entirely different from your average”first collaring experience”. It is probably (I say this reluctantly) much more intense and in any case entirely different.

Back to my self imposed question. Will the twain ever meet? My personal opinion? Probably not. But there is nothing wrong with that. People are different and needs are different. Only twenty years ago the big credo in the EPE world was that everything had to be pan-sexual. Only recently the community is discovering and accepting the fact that there are differences between the for example the heterosexual and homosexual EPE-culture. And that within the heterosexual world there are differences between Maledom and Femdom.

it is quite likely there will be differences within the Maledom/femsub culture. Acknowledging these differences helps. Acknowledging that people with (longer) real life experience usually do know better (because they have gone through all the mistakes themselves) and that especially those who have had experience in groups and have seen a bit more than just their own relationship do see there ARE some things that others fail to acknowledge: such as the fact that there are SOPs (standard operating procedures) and that you can spot mistakes and mishaps twenty or thirty Miles ahead.